Lonely Women Make Good Lovers...

well...um...uh.. I'm sorry..it was sold out..I couldn't get in..I was busy, I had the flu, I was betrayed...it's not like I didn't try..I did, but the..security..was too tight...

those are my excuses for failing to see Sarah Palin last night...I failed.. I'm a failure...I'm nobody..I'm a dog..

however, I did visit Young Miss America Foundation's Ronald Reagan Ranch Center to scope it out and see what my chances were of actually seeing Mrs. Palin that night...slim..but I did tour the Ranch Center so I'll tell you about that..anyway this is about Reagan and not Palin, right?

so I went in and a lady hostess named Joyce, the lonliest woman I've ever seen but not bad looking, was eyeing me like a piece of candy... she was suspicious of me, no doubt..I asked her can I take some pictures and she says yes it's open house today but no flashes..I gotta sign in and wear a sticker..then she asks me a bunch of questions and follows me around, upstairs I go and lose her for awhile..then I start looking around the Center and it was weird to say the least...talk about glorification of Reagan..the dude is everywhere...this place looks like Reagan's tomb...a mausoleum!

I thought I was at a Roy Rogers convention... pictures of ranches, horses, cowboys...hey there's Ron's Jeep he used to use at Rancho Cielo..There's a piece of the Berlin Wall that everyone gives Reagan credit for bringing down...like Gore invented the internet...geez..so I look around some more and there's a little chapel to worship President Reagan... I go in and say a prayer for the Gipper and world peace....

then I see the dining room where Sarah will speak..it's tiny...and there's the top of the building that has a big tent for the reception... everything is all sold out but I hope Sarah won't feel slighted by the small crowd inside..I have a feeling they hand-picked the audience from the very wealthy old money conservative members of Santa Barbara society...

I tell ya, the Reagan Ranch Center is the scariest place I've ever been..there's this little stuffed monkey behind some glass named Bonzo that just freaked me out..like it was looking right into my soul...I'll never forget it...

so I turn around a little bit on edge after the monkey business and there's Joyce the hostess again...I know she thinks I'm a terrorist, but maybe she just wants some lovin'! I ask is there a third floor and she takes me by the hand and leads me to the elevator..we get in all alone..it's dark..she moves a little closer and I swear I'm getting one guys...I've never had sex in an elevator but I...geez, we were soooo close!!! God that would have been good!!

then we reach the third floor and we get out and split up...I say thanks and she just watches me...I look around some more and out the door I go...to freedom...from all these damn dirty apes..

but one of these days Joyce, I'm coming back for more....