every year I write a little letter to the loyal readers of the NewsPress...telling you my feelings..let me take a moment on this holiday weekend to tell you about me again!Let me elucidate (I learned how and where to use these big words from Stanford U!)..Firstly, you know I love animals! I slept with a horse last night and tonight I'm sleeping with German Shepard who has a bbbiiigg tongue! I read a story about how in Navajo County, Arizona they killed 55 dogs...that's animal cruelty and I called PETA and the Humane Society already..I'd like to take this opportunity to thank Travis the Gay Indian for writing all those editorials about animals that we get awards for..I give them money, they give me awards! (whoops, I mean my ex-husbands money! See, California allows you to loot your husband's bank account in a divorce..so you can marry rich and divorce richer!)
Things here at the New$-Pre$$ are going real swell! Everyone is happy and we've hired a couple of toddlers to write for us! We love children...love to love you baby..love to love you baby....our computers are clean now (wink wink)...
I still got lots of money so I won't sell the paper even though I can't turn a profit...and I won't start a News-Press blog because I'm afraid to... but rest assured, we will continue to bring you the best local news coverage in the world and hard hitting editorials and best of all, we won't confuse you with any facts! Trust us...we know what's best for you!
umm..let's see...ohh..the election is coming up..
has anyone seen or heard anything about Mike Self?? she's up and disappeared herself! How about Justin....Justin, your mommy called and it's time for your nappypoo! Olivia and John...hanging out at Lucky's Bar? Cushman..looking for a free pancake breakfast somewhere!
well I gotta go untie that child molester Robby!! bye!
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