one of these nights...

erotic horror story #1

well last night I was out cruising the bars, looking for love in all the wrong places...I started drinking at home at about 6:00 pm with a half bottle of wine then went out and hit the honky tonks, consuming a total of 24 beers and 3 Tequila Margaritas all night!

hell it's 4th of July weekend and I thought I'd celebrate my liberties that we won with our invasion of Iraq..I am a white American and I can do anything I want.. if you don't like it..deal with it!

so it's finally 0100 hrs or 1:00 AM to you civilians..I pull up to a stoplight and it's red..so I stop..then I reach in back of my truck and pull out a sleeping bag and stretch out on the front seat for a spell..and take a little nap! after about five or ten minutes I hear a horn blasting from the idiot behind me..so I get up and there's a Volvo there..A Volvo..so I go back to sleep..

then I hear a tap at my window and I'm getting annoyed at all these interruptions of my rightful drunken REM sleep..but...I get up again and there's a cop standing with her legs spread...hand on her gun...or somewhere around her crotch area...so I thought...after 24 beers things were spinning and it looked like she was massaging her you know what..her hand was going around and around....but later I realized she was writing me a citation! She was manipulating her pen, doodling in a circle, because the ink was not coming out, then SPLAT!! you know how you write when you're standing up sometimes..you put the pad on your thigh...

well speaking of sighs..I took one look at this cop and started sighing and she looked at me and said "what's wrong, cowboy?"

I cried "please don't arrest me for quota purposes, bitch"...

she laughed and said "what will you do to get out of these incoming handcuffs, bub?"

I said '"anything"

she said " you can start by opening the passenger door".... is that police code for unzip my pants I wondered..

I said "ok Missy" ..."hic hic..."

then she slid in and took off her clothes and I slid in...and out... a few hundred times...

Santa Barbara cops are the best!!!